Petulant film revue: ‘Constantine’.

I would be a lot more aggressive in my criticisms of this film but I’m currently watching semi naked Japanese men in their equivalent of the Village People, So I’m sorry if I seem to be less bitchy than usual and if this review offends you…

First bad point of the film, it has Keanu Reeves in it. I was so sure when I first saw him in ‘Bill and Ted’ that some day, maybe someday, he’d learn to act.
That day has not yet come.
Also perhaps I find him mildly sickening because he’s the object of so many single middleaged ladies slimy fishalicious orgasms.
It’s got Rachel Weisz in it, yeah the cute ‘Chubby’ girl from ‘The Mummy’, and she’s also starred previously with Reeves in ‘Chain Reaction’. I was appaled by how much weight she’d lost for this film, I’m not going on a fat girl feministic rant, fat girls are gross (we can smell our own) but really, Reeves was meant to be the one with cancer eating both his lungs, but he still looked more healthy than her. She inspires me to vomit every lunchtime.

I found this film difficult to like because it’s a very tired idea. First part of the film feels somewhat like a typical excorcist scenario. The film also reminded me a lot of ‘Fallen’ a much better film of similar story line but with yet another actor on my ‘I hate you’ list.
I dislike very religious films that seem so confident that there’s a heaven and hell. It was refreshing that Gabriel was portrayed as a rather evil bitch, but it still didn’t make up for the ‘Hell is where bad people go’ shite.
I feel this review descending into a stupid religious debate. I have a relgion, I have a god, but I neither believe in heaven or hell, and I’d never enforce my beleifs on others.
All I can say is, I’d happily worship Satan if he took away my sickness.

Out of ten, I’d give this film ‘I’m giving it to my mum so she has new imagery for her late night fantasies.’